He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
by Jennifer Pak
Summary: When an alien sex toy goes off in the hub. Owen changes rather dramatically and set's his sights on Jack, much to the entertainment of the rest of the team.


**Title:** He loves me, he loves me not

**Characters: ** Jack/Owen, the rest of the team

**Warnings:** A few bad words, it is Owen

**Rating:** T (I think)

**Word Count:** ~ 2,000

**Summary:** When an alien sex toy goes off in the hub. Owen changes rather dramatically and set's his sights on Jack, much to the entertainment of the rest of the team.

**A/N: **Written for the live journal 'Bite Sized Bit's Of Fic' prompt 'Torchwood, Jack/Owen, He loves me. He loves me not. He can go fuck himself.'

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"You have got be kidding me!" Owen yelled. His voice echoing through the hub making Tosh jump a bit.

"Deadly serious Owen," Jack said seriously "sorry" he added lamely trying to placate the younger man.

"So, you have no idea what happened to me? You just know it probably won't kill me! Is that what you're saying, Jack?" Owen kept yelling refusing to believe what Jack was telling him.

"Usually it's done something by now" Jack muttered unsure of how deal with Owen.

"Oh for Christ sake! This is all your fault Jack! I blame you entirely for this!" Owen groaned pinching the bridge of his nose.

~0~

_**20min Earlier**_

_The team returned to the hub, their new artefact with them. Jack had insisted it wasn't dangerous, but he was still the only one aloud to touch it. _

"_So what does it do?" Gwen continued to pester as they entered the hub._

"_No idea" Jack murmured with a far away look in his eyes._

"_But…"_

_Jack silenced her with a wave of his hand. "I don't know what this particular one does, but I know it's from a set."_

"_Set?" Tosh asked looking at the conical piece of metal in Jack's hand. It had a slightly pink tint to it and had a small slit on the base._

"_Yeah about 50 of them, the fun you can have. Anyway, it's probably from the late 37__th__ century. Basically it temporarily changes memories and/or the body of the user. With the whole set you could do anything! Change gender, species even, grow a few extra organs, clone yourself, generally alter yourself for about 3 hours" he smiled then added coyly "There's a lot of things you can do in 3 hours."_

_Owen and Ianto's eyes went wide at the thought of all the things that could be done in 3 hours. Owen would never admit it but he might have drooled a little. Toshiko went pink, but Gwen seemed completely oblivious._

"_Why would anyone want to do that." Everyone gave her a 'you-can't-be-serious-look'._

"_Oh…right…yes" Gwen coughed a bit blushing as well, when she finally understood._

"_Owen, run a couple of scans on it. It's out of power, but the residual energy should help identify what it actually did" Jack made to pass the cone to Owen. The base was facing Owen, as he reached out; he saw something gold come out of the slit._

"_Shit. Owen don't move. Everyone else get back."_

_Owen froze, seeing something gold and shimmering like a glittery mist spinning around him. The shimmering gas spun around Owen until he was completely blocked from view. When it cleared, Owen collapsed. He appeared fine, still human, still male, still Owen. There didn't appear to be any changes._

"_Owen, you okay?" Jack was kneeling next to him hand checking his pulse._

"_Is he going to be okay?" Tosh asked looking at the medic._

"_He should be, whatever's happened you all need to know he's probably not going to be acting normally so just stay calm" Jack said as Owen's eyes began to blink open._

"_Owen…hey. How are you feeling?" Jack asked leaning in close to the young medic._

"_Like a small mammal has crawled into my mouth and died and Jack, back off, you stink" Owen muttered wrinkling his nose in disgust._

"_Come on" Ianto helped him to stand._

"_We need to check you out" Jack guided them to the medical bay._

~0~

"Yes I know. All my fault."

"So what do the results mean?" Ianto asked from the door.

"Don't know. All I know is my hormones are all over the place. Other than that I'm fine, exactly…"

Owen was going to say more when he began to cough violently. His skin seemed to glow, and pulsate as he gagged. More gold mist flew from his mouth, allowing Owen a moment to breathe properly. Jack and Ianto stayed back, unsure what the mist would do. The gold cloud seemed to hang there for a moment before folding back on itself and being absorbed by Owen's skin.

Ianto hung back, while Jack stood in front of Owen, again checking if he was all right.

"You feeling alright?" Jack asked quietly

Owen's eyes seemed to focus in and out until finally resting on Jack's face. Nothing could have prepared Jack for what happened next. Owen's voice was a high falsetto, with soft, and kind words, replacing his harsh and snarky accent.

"Sweetheart, I didn't hear you come in."

Jack's face went pale, eyes wide with shock. Of all things he thought might happen to Owen, this was not one of them.

The younger man raised his hand to caress Jack's cheek.

"You look a little pale. Are you…" Owen was distracted by his wrist. His eyes roaming down his own body only just realising he was wearing jeans and t-shirt, which seemed to deeply disturb him.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry, Jack. You shouldn't have to see me like this. I must get changed at once" he jumped up about to leave Jack's office. Noticing Ianto standing by the door, he squealed "Get out! Get out you filthy pervert! Don't look at me" Ianto attempted to step back but Owen brushed past him slapping him across the face as he went.

Ianto stood stunned for a moment, his hand feeling the warmth coming off his cheek. Jack, who could no longer contain himself, burst out laughing.

"You just got bitch slapped by Owen" Jack managed through fits of giggles.

"Well apparently you're his sweetheart" Ianto threw back.

Owen reappeared in the main area of the hub, calling Gwen over.

"You there, get over here and make yourself useful. I don't pay you to sit around all day" Gwen looked taken a back for a moment, than had to work hard to hold back the tears of laughter. She bit her lip hard, hoping she could hold it together.

Owen was standing, with his back to her, in a dress. It was a very old fashioned looking dress, something out of the Victorian era she thought, which needed to be tied together at the back. Owen some how already had a corset on, and it appeared he needed her to lace up the back.

"Well get on with it. Tie it up" Owen said impatiently.

Gwen silently did as she was told, trying to stop her hands from shaking at the hilarity. Once she was done, Owen ran back up to Jack's office.

When Owen saw Ianto again he went a rather adorable shad of pink.

"I told you to get out! Jack no longer needs you, you catamite! He has me now!" Owen squealed.

Jack spluttered a bit but waved Ianto away none the less.

A little stunned Ianto moved to Toshiko's work station, noting that Gwen had collapsed onto the couch and was laughing uncontrollably. Tosh looked up at him and smiled, "Do you know what's so funny? Gwen doesn't appear to be able to put together a coherent sentence at the moment. All I can get out of her, is 'Owen' and 'oh god'"

"He's wearing a dress" Ianto said simply.

"What?" Tosh choked on air for a second.

"Look" he said gesturing Jack's glass office. Tosh leant back in her chair to see Owen in his dress, cradling Jack's face in his hands. Tears ran down Toshiko's face as she began to laugh, occasionally forgetting to breath.

"It get's better" Ianto interrupted them both. It took a moment but they calmed down so Ianto could speak.

"He seems to think Jack is his lover."

"And I'm a servant or something" Gwen added.

The three broke into fits of intermittent giggles at the sheer inexplicability of the whole situation. When they'd all calmed down again Gwen asked, "Why do we have a Victorian dress in the hub anyway?"

"Some suitcases fell through the rift, a few days ago. I hadn't quite gotten around to archiving them properly. There were a few dresses, piles of jewellery, a bundle of letters, some books. Basically we have a rich and well educated women's luggage from that period."

"Oh right then. How long did Jack say it would last?"

"Three hours" Gwen answered.

Owen was being incredibly emotional, and Jack was working hard to stop the man crying.

"You need to talk to our servants they don't treat me with any respect. And can we please get rid of your catamite, it's not like you need him" Owen practically whimpered.

"Uh, yes…of course. In fact I'll do that now." Jack said standing to leave his office.

"Tell the gardener to bring me some flowers, what ever is in bloom" he added not attempting to move from the chair in front of Jack's desk.

"Jack, how is he?" Tosh asked seeing Jack finally leaving his office.

"Very nearly hysterical, his emotions are all over the place. Ianto he wants some flowers, could you get some."

"Of course," Ianto turned to leave but then remembered his earlier conversation with Owen, "Jack, what's a catamite?"

Jack spluttered again, "You really don't want to know" he said.

"JACK!" Owen wailed

"Shit" he murmured offering an apologetic smile, then re-entered his office.

The next half hour was fairly uneventful until the flowers arrived at the tourist office. Jack presented Owen with the flowers which seemed to please the younger man.

"Oh, they're lovely" he cooed at the huge assortment of flora.

Then he pulled one free from the rest, and began to pull the delicate white petals off one by one, accompanied by the quiet muttering of, "He loves me. He loves me not."

From outside Jack's office it was actually very easy to understand what was happening. Jack would sit there awkwardly, while Owen removed the petals. If it ended on "He loves me", Owen would jump up and kiss Jack on the cheek. If it ended on "He loves me not" Owen would slap Jack and/or storm out. Only to return to his seat, remove another flower and begin the process again. It was actually rather entertaining to watch. Toshiko had been compiling all the footage of Owen like this planning on using it to blackmail Owen next time he really pissed her or any of the others off.

It was coming up on 3 hours and Jack's cheeks were bright red. It turned out most of the flowers had an odd number of petals. Owen was sitting on Jack's desk, swinging his legs, continuing his assault on the flower in his hand.

"He loves me. He loves me not." Owen's voice faltered, as he began to cough. He gasped, and writhed, trying to get oxygen into his body. The gold mist flew from his mouth once again, but this time instead of returning to Owen's body, it dispersed into the air. He looked down at the flower in his hand; it didn't have any petals left. "He can go fuck himself." He sighed then looked up to see Jack smirking at him.

"What?" Owen asked defensively. He appeared to be back to his old self.

"You're a weird one Harkness" Owen muttered leaving the office as Jack burst out laughing.

Owen walked out. Gwen, Tosh and Ianto were all staring at him.

"What the hell are you looking at?" Owen asked gesturing himself, and looking down at himself.

He stared at the dress, for nearly a whole minute, completely stunned.

"Oh shit" then he ran out of the main area, going to find his clothes.

The remaining four team members laughed and laughed. Until Owen reappeared, back in his t-shirt and jeans.

"Just so you know, I fucking HATE you Harkness" Owen yelled before storming out of the hub.

None of them seemed to care and just continued to laugh, and burn copies of Owen's exploits. The whole 3 hours had been worth it, if just to see his face when he discovered he was in a dress.

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Reviews are love


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